


The Demonic Cryptid Hellboy

by EasyTangent, Opalsong, RevolutionaryJo, Syr



Category: Buzzfeed Unsolved (Web Series), Hellboy (Movies 2004-2008)
Genre: #BuzzfeedSolved?, A Little Too On the Nose, Alternate Universe - Fusion, Audio Format: MP3, Audio Format: Streaming, Banter, Cats, Gen, Hellboy is a Troll, Humour, Is Hellboy A Demon Or A Cryptid, Liz is a Troll, Music, Podfic, Podfic Length: 10-20 Minutes, Sound Effects, episode fic
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-08-23
Updated: 2019-08-23
Packaged: 2020-06-29 18:58:37
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,898
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19836511
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/EasyTangent/pseuds/EasyTangent, https://archiveofourown.org/users/Opalsong/pseuds/Opalsong, https://archiveofourown.org/users/RevolutionaryJo/pseuds/RevolutionaryJo, https://archiveofourown.org/users/Syr/pseuds/Syr
Summary: Will Ryan and Shane finally come face to face with an actual demon?  Or is Hellboy actually a cryptid?





	The Demonic Cryptid Hellboy

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks to Paraka for hosting!

cover art by Opalsong

### Streaming Audio

Click the mp3 link for streaming.

### Download

[MP3](http://opalsong.parakaproductions.com/podfic/Buzzfeed/The%20Demonic%20Cryptid%20Hellboy.mp3) | 19:49 | 13.9 MB  
---|---|---  
  
### Thanks

Many Thanks for Forzandopod for the walkthrough on how to make this sound like an actual episode.

### Crosspost

cross posted at [Dreamwidth](https://opalsong.dreamwidth.org/)

_ Ryan and Shane are in a car, driving in the country. Outside Newark, N.J. _

Shane: You gonna be okay on this one? You look a little pale.

Ryan: You know how I feel about demons.

Shane: Does Hellboy count as a demon though? Isn’t he more of a cryptid?

Ryan: His name starts with ‘hell’, that’s enough for me.

Shane: I’m not sure you can count this as your one demon per season.

Ryan: Yes, we sure can.

Shane: We’ll let the comments decide.

Ryan: I hate you.

** Title Sequence **

_ Ryan and Shane behind their usual desk _

Ryan: Welcome to another episode of BuzzFeed Unsolved, where continue our ongoing investigation into the question “Are Ghosts Real?”

Shane: Nope.

Ryan: That’s a firm stance.

Shane: Don’t confuse my rationality for being unenthused. What ghoulie are we investigating today?

Ryan: Today, we’re looking into a modern cryptid: the elusive Hellboy.

_ An appropriate montage of images flashes across the screen as Ryan narrates. _

The legend of the creature known as Hellboy goes back to the end of the Second World War. Numerous accounts from government agencies all over the world report that towards the end of the war, Hitler, in his desperation, turned towards the occult in an attempt to secure some kind of supernatural Hail Mary.

_ Scrolling text _

Wait, wait, this story has  _ Nazis _ in it?

This story has Nazis.

I hope they die!

Spoilers: They do.

I hope they get sucked right into hell, like a  _ whoosh _ . No, more like toilet sound. Like a  _ wooorrrlsh. _

I think they just get shot, like with bullets.

Oh, that’s good too. Also, can I say that “supernatural hail Mary” is  _ nobody’s _ plan A. Who starts a war thinking “I’m going to summon a demon. And if THAT doesn’t work, I’ll invade Belgium”? Nobody.

That’s why it’s a hail Mary. You can’t start with it.

If I start a war, I’m opening with my hail Mary. But it won’t be summoning demons, it’ll be a big plastic horse, with people inside. MY people.

Because nobody’s tried that before.

Not with a PLASTIC horse.

_ Back to narration _

Sightings of Hellboy didn’t begin until years later, but it wasn’t until the nineteen-eighties, when Ronda Wittman wrote an article about Hellboy that quickly went viral in cryptozoological circles, that the connection was made between the two. In her article, Wittman wrote about stories that her grandfather, a war veteran, told her. In her article, she writes:

“My grandfather told me stories about a top secret mission at the end of the war, on a small British island. The enemy was trying to open a portal to hell itself. We took them by surprise. We killed them all, but not before they opened the door, and brought something through.

“My grandfather only talked about that night on his best days, his most lucid days. He spoke of it like he was in confession, like if he only shared his memories of that night, he could make the nightmares stop.

“He said the it looked like a red monkey, with a tail, tiny horns, and an enormous right hand made of stone. A young man, a British consultant, not even a soldier, convinced them not to kill it. The squad named it Hellboy.”

_ Cut to Ryan and Shane outside of their car now, on the side of the road, next to the woods. _

Ryan: We’re in New Jersey, just outside Newark. This is where our contact told us was the best place to look.

Shane: A shame we couldn’t go back to England, I’d like to find that island with all the dead Nazis.

Ryan: I think if I went to an island were a portal to hell opened, I’d...

Shane: You’d poop yourself.

Ryan: (laughs) I’d definitely run back to the boat. Or the helicopter, whichever.

Shane: You’d have that funny squatty run that toddlers have.

Ryan: This is bad enough, alright? Let me check my inventory. I’ve got my holy water pistol, my salt -

Shane: I brought a six-pack of pilsner.

Ryan: You’re bringing beer for a demon?

Shane: Absolutely. He seems like a cool guy.

_ Cut to voice over _

Since the late fifties, sighting of Hellboy have been reported worldwide. One of the most unique and baffling aspects of Hellboy is that he almost always appears in or near locations that already report supernatural infestations. For example, he was seen several years ago outside a small town in Romania that has been the rumoured home of a nest of murderous vampires.

_ Scrolling text _

I bet he’s a mailman.

A mail man?

Here you go, Ms. Dracula, here’s your subscription to Victoria’s Secret.

Victoria IS the vampire.

That’s her secret.

_ Narration _

Eyewitness accounts are consistent when describing Hellboy. They say he has red skin, a tail, feet like cleft hooves, a large right hand, made of, or possibly encased in, some kind of stone, and red circles on his forehead. Some people think they’re goggles, but the greater agreement among witnesses, is that they’re actually the stubs of horns that have been cut or sanded off.

_ Cut to Ryan and Shane behind their desk _

Shane: That’s badass. Sanding off your own horns? Badass.

Ryan: I’m more disturbed by the notion that this creature is willing to  **cut off it’s own body parts** .

Shane: What?! You should find it comforting.

Ryan: How should I find self-mutilation comforting?

Shane: Horns are the number one cartoon shorthand for “evil”. No horns equals no evil.

Ryan: Except this isn’t a cartoon. It’s real.

Shane: Is it though?

Ryan: That’s what we’re here to find out.

Shane: It’s not called Buzzfeed SOLVED, Ryan.

_ Narration _

We were approached several months ago by one eyewitness who wanted to offer their testimony. After corresponding back and forth, she agreed to be interviewed on camera.

_ Cut to Ryan and Shane entering a coffee shop. _

Ryan: This is where we agreed to meet.

Shane: I hope they have Hellboy pizza.

Ryan: He’s not the mothman.

_ Inside the coffee shop, Ryan and Shane are sitting across from a woman with black hair. She has a cup of coffee in front of her. _

Ryan: Thanks for meeting with us. I’m Ryan, this is Shane. And you’re Elizabeth Sherman?

Liz: Just Liz please.  


Ryan: I hope you haven’t been waiting here long, your coffee looks cold.

Liz: Not long, no.

Ryan: You sounded reluctant to meet initially, can I ask what made you change your mind?

Liz: I don’t really like being on camera usually. Being recorded, you know? But my boyfriend really encouraged me. I probably know more on the topic than anyone alive. Plus, he just thought it’d be hilarious.

Shane: Why isn’t your boyfriend here with you?

Liz: Best if he’s not. Trust me.

_ Liz takes a sip from her coffee, which is now steaming. _

Ryan: So what is your history with Hellboy; what can you share with us?

Liz: I can’t give you the details, but I have access, and thorough knowledge on Hellboy, going back many years.

Shane: So, like a librarian?

Liz: There’s a library involved, yes.

Ryan: What’s some information you have that you think is missing from the larger Hellboy conversation?

Liz: Well... he loves cats.

_ Narration, accompanied by funny internet cat videos, that have been poorly doctored to give the cats glowing red eyes as they play the piano, or whatever. _

Cats have been associated with the supernatural for hundreds of years. What medieval witch is complete without her cat familiar on the end of her flying broom? Some people say that cats are attracted to ghosts and demons, possibly because they are also evil monsters.

_ Scrolling text. _

Cats are evil. I love them.

What does that say about you?

You love them too!

Yes I do.

_ Ryan narration _ :

Let’s jump into our theories.

Theory #1: There isn’t just one Hellboy, but rather, an entire species with a similar enough appearance to all be mistaken for the same creature. This would explain the worldwide sightings. While some people online argue this theory very strongly, I personally find it unlikely, considering much how agreement there is in witness statements as to the appearance and behaviour of Hellboy. There also has never been a single sighting of more than one Hellboy together, which you think would be inevitable if this theory was true.

_ Scrolling text _

Plus it’s less fun.

You think more Hellboys is  _ less  _ fun?

Sure. Give me one dude, and let him be  _ awesome _ .

_ Back to the interview _

Ryan: What do you think of the theory that there’s more than one Hellboy in the world? Because I, for one, think one is enough.

Liz: One is definitely enough. Can you imagine? The secret would be out within an hour.

Ryan: What do you mean?

Liz: You heard about the time he signed an autograph in a public park? Or the kid in New York who says they ate cookies together and talked about girls? He’s not exactly good a keeping a low profile, is what I’m saying.

Shane: I have NOT heard those stories? Ryan! Why haven’t I heard these stories yet? Are you getting soft?

Ryan: I was saving them for later.

Shane: No point now; you missed the boat. And I didn’t bring my autograph book. I didn’t bring cookies!

_ Narration: _

Theory #2: Unlike most demonic manifestations, which lack a permanent corporeal body, Hellboy, because he came through an opened portal, only exists physically in our world, and has to travel the way humans do. Though how he is able to travel and be seen all over the world using only conventional means opens further questions. He would need help, a wide network of accomplices, or a far-reaching conspiracy.

_ Cut to Ryan and Shane behind their desk _

Shane: You mean a government conspiracy?

Ryan: I’m just saying, a lot of resources would have to be involved. Private airplanes, accommodations, food - I mean, who knows what this guy eats! We’re talking big bucks here.

Shane: I can get on board with a good old-fashioned government conspiracy. I bet there’s an entire bureau. A bureau for paranormal research.

Ryan: And defence, I hope! If my taxpayer’s money is going to this, they’d better be keeping me safe, not making it worse.

Shane: I dunno, man, have you seen the news?

Ryan: Maybe they’re SO secret, that not even the chuckle-heads in DC know about them.

Shane: Ooh, I like that. It makes me feel better. It shouldn’t, but it honestly makes me feel better.

_ Cut to interview with Liz _

Ryan: Do you have an opinion on this theory?

Liz: It’s good.

_ Awkward pause _

Liz: I’m not an interdimentional planar scientist, okay?

Shane: Fair enough.

_ Walking through the woods _

Ryan: Because of Hellboy’s international MO, it’s hard to know where to look for him. Liz told us this was the best place, and we’re taking her word for it. These woods actually have their own stories of hauntings, which is another reason they’re a good choice. But now that it’s dark, I really kinda wish we’d gone somewhere with less of a history of evil spirits.

Shane: If you could choose between confirming the existence of ghosts or Hellboy tonight, totally, completely prove one is real, which would you pick?

Ryan: I would like to survive, go home, call my parents and tell them I love them.

Shane: Why wait? You’ve got your cell phone, don’t you? This isn’t 1992, we can call people any time.

Ryan (narrating): At this point our camera picks up the sound of a splash.

_ cut to scrolling text _

I’m going to have to stop you right there. A splash is not ghost. It’s not a demon. It’s a fish.

I’m just presenting the evidence for the audience to interpret.

They don’t have to interpret. I’m doing it for them. It’s a fish.

I’d just like to point out that the river was  _ very _ cold. Cold enough to throw off our thermal cameras, if say, a warm-blooded demon was to jump in.

You know what else is warm blooded? A fish.

That is literally not true. I thought you were the science one.

I was trying to make a point, but I forgot what it was.

_ Cut back to the woods _

Ryan: I guess it’s time to bring out the spirit box, though I’m not sure this is the best use for it.

Shane: Can we **please** not.

Ryan: If the theory that Hellboy exists as a corporeal entity in our world is true, then it’s useless. It would be like using the spirit box to look for Bigfoot.

Shane: Which we didn’t do. I know, let pour one out for the big guy, huh?

Ryan: And waste your beers? Why didn’t you bring more?

Shane: I brought a six-pack.

Ryan: Then why are there only two?

Shane: What are you talking about?

_ Shane swings off his big backpack. Two beers are hanging off a strap near the outside bottom of the backpack, the plastic rings that should be holding the other four beers are empty. _

Shane: Huh.

Ryan:What? “Huh”? That’s it?!

Shane: Don’t freak out on me.

Ryan: Oh, I skipped right over freaking out. I went straight into mind-numbing terror.

Shane: They were probably snagged off on a tree.

Ryan: Wouldn’t you have  **noticed** that?

Shane: Well, sure, then I guess it was definitely a demon. I’m glad there’s no between, makes things easier. A demon stole my beer.

Ryan: Oh my god.

Shane: Wait, no it didn’t. I brought the beer  **for** Hellboy, it’s not stealing when they’re already his.

Ryan: Oh my god, shut  **up** **_._ **

_ Awkward silence _

Shane: I think now’s a good time for that spirit box.

_ Cut to interview with Liz _

Ryan: What do you think we can expect from our search for Hellboy, if we should find him?

Liz: Trolling. I mean pranks, for sure.

Shane: He’s a prankster? Fun!

Liz: Not on the job- I mean... It’s not what he’s known for. But what can  **you** expect if you look for him? Definitely trolling.

Shane: Why us?

Ryan: Yeah, I don’t like the idea of special treatment.

Shane: You wouldn’t.

Ryan: I  **don’t.**

Liz: Would you be offended if I called you small time?

Ryan: Not at all.

Shane: We’re the smallest time. Any smaller and time starts moving backwards.

Liz: So if you were big time, he couldn’t afford to mess with you, but small time...

Ryan: But how will he know we’re coming?

Liz: What makes you think he doesn’t watch your show?

_ Pause _

Ryan: (Inarticulate noises)

_ Cut back to the woods. _

Ryan: I can’t believe. I’m actually in the woods with a demon. I’m going to die. I don’t have a will.

Shane: Oh, it’s fine. Let’s spirit box.

Ryan: You JUST said we shouldn’t.

Shane: I changed my mind. I’m a mercurial guy.

Ryan: I hate this. I hate this.

Shane: I know, just do it.

_ Ryan pulls out the spirit box and turns it on. _

_ Narration _

Strangely, our camera caught several noises during the spirit box session, that came from the surroundings around us, not from the box itself. I will point them out as best I can, but many of the sounds were covered or muffled by noise of the spirit box.

_ Spirit box shrieks _

Ryan: Am I in contact with the demon called Hellboy?

_ Just noise _

Shane: Hey Boy! Did you steal my beers?

_ Noise _

(Narrating Ryan: At this point we hear a sound that could be a beer can opening)

Ryan: Did you hear that?

Shane: What? Just do the box thing.

Ryan: Okay. Okay, I can do this. My name is Ryan, this is Shane, can you say our names back to us?

_ Noise _

Shane: So I hear you’ve been around the world. Where’s the best vacation spot?

_ Noise _

(Narrating Ryan: Here there was a rustling in the woods behind us.)

Ryan: Do you  _ hear _ that?

Shane: We’re in a forest. Sounds happen, what do you want me to say? It’s probably bears?

Ryan: Not helping.

Shane: Check the thermal.

Ryan: Okay, this is fine. It’s fine. Holy shit! There’s something there!

Shane: What? It’s... a lump.

Ryan: Are you seeing this, there’s  _ something there _ .

Shane: Could still be a bear, or some forest hobo. Let’s go.

Ryan: Please be a forest hobo.  _ Please _ be a forest hobo.

Shane: Great. Nothing. Check the thermal again.

Ryan: Nothing. Wait, did you  _ hear that _ ? Another splash.

Shane: Forest hobo taking a swim?

Ryan: Um. What’s that?

Shane: What’s what?

Ryan: There, on that tree. There’s something written on it.

Shane: It says “Hey boys it’s me, ya demon”

Ryan: Nope. I’m out. Get me out. I’m outta here.

Shane: We haven’t walked around alone yet.

Ryan: Don’t even joke about that.

Shane: I’m still down. Oh look, there’s the empty beer cans on the ground.

Ryan: I’m leaving.

_ Narration _

Could this be our most convincing evidence yet? Or was there a forest hobo, or maybe some local rowdies in the woods messing with us? Either way, the existence of the demon known as Hellboy will remain... Unsolved.

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